Excursion Limbo

Before I jump into the good stuff, I should talk a lil bit about the week in between Morocco and Croatia because it was important in its own way. So I had just been getting used to Zagreb when we had to leave and while I loved being back in Amsterdam I felt like I had forgotten a lot of what I had learned and was starting over from scratch again. As I was becoming comfortable again in the city, we had a discussion about the logistics of the trip to Morocco. Kevin, the academic director, mentioned that it was a very conservative country and as such our rooms in the hotel would be sex segregated and so would our discussion with Moroccan students. This sent me into an anxiety-ridden identity crisis because as someone who identifies as genderqueer and trans, the thought of having to make this choice was terrifying. I could not foresee myself feeling comfortable in either situation since my masculine presentation could distance me from females or seem threatening, and I am not entirely passing as male so really I wouldn’t fit into either group. And usually I like this about myself. I like to defy categories and embrace my androgyny but in this situation I felt like I had to give up androgyny for personal safety. I had spent the past six months establishing and owning my trans identity and it is where I feel most comfortable and I couldn’t imagine going back to being a butch woman again. Icky. This dilemma occupied my mind for a couple days until I talked with Kevin and he assured me that it would be okay and that I didn’t have to do anything differently or change my pronouns. BUT that I should use the “women’s” bathroom and be in the female student discussion. So basically what I gathered from Kevin was that people were probably going to read me as a really weird masculine Western lady, but that didn’t mean I had to be one. This made me feel more at ease about the trip and after our pre-departure lecture on Moroccan culture I actually was starting to feel excited.

On a different note, I also got a hair cut this week. I give you: Return of the Mohawk! Now with bleachy rattail thingy! I'm not even going to pretend to be modest. I look damn good.